What a week.

Seriously I have to say this has been one of the worst weeks Scott and I have had in a while. We are totally worn down and though I know it could be worse, and I am thankful it is not, it still was a very long week.

Monday started out pretty good. I didn't feel great, my back was hurting and I was cramping some butI just chalked it up to baby Charlie being well a baby in my tummy. So I went to my Grandma's house to hand out and help her around her house. I ended up leaving 45 minutes after getting there just not feeling great. Back pain was getting a little worse and Lucy being fussy, for the fourth week in a row may I add, I decided to go home and rest. Got home rested and the back pain and cramping persisted.

About 11:00am Lucy woke up and I was determined we were going to go on a picnic so I got up and got her, but I started having really painful cramping in my lower abdomen and back. I kept trying to say it will pass, I'm just sore. But after getting in the car we immediately got out and went back in. I began to have what felt like contractions. If you have had a baby there is no mistaking it. It started in my lower back and just wrapped around to my stomach, and my stomach felt hard. I felt like maybe OK it's just bad gas... What I'm pregnant? I called my doctors office, then Scott, and then my Mom. I couldn't seem to get comfortable an it did not pass with a trip to the potty...

About 30 minutes after calling my doctor with no reply, my Mom and I decided it was time to go to Triage. What I was feeling was intense and scary and not right. So we dropped off Lucy at Beth's house and headed to the Women's Pavillion. Which was a great! It wasn't busy, it was quiet, and they brought me back within 20 minutes. They took a urine sample and hooked me up to the itchy contraction machine. Although I KNOW I was having contractions they weren't showing up which was utterly frustrating. But the nurse said I may not have been far enough along to pick up the contractions. They believe the Mommy over the monitor :)

I gotta say driving to the hospital and sitting waiting to see the doctor I was utterly convicted with guilt for the way I have been acting towards this pregnancy. I kept thinking I was losing Charlie. I am only 20 weeks, well 21 now, and there is such a low chance he would survive if he is born now. I was just hit with sadness and guilt. I have been such a complainer about this pregnancy. Yes, there are some really unpleasant things, but all to often I have neglected to say "Thank you GOD for this precious little boy you have given me!" The thought of losing him was just heartbreaking. Definitely a wake up call.

Once the doctor came in he told me there was a lot of blood in my urine (sorry I don't know how else I can put it?) So basically I just had a super bad urinary tract infection or a kidney stone. Thank goodness we are pretty sure there is no kidney stone, pretty sure we would know by now. But because my uterus sits on my bladder the infection was causing the contractions. Phew! What a sigh of relief Scott and I gave when we found out that was all! Baby Charlie's heart beat sounded great and he didn't seem to be disturbed by the little earthquake going on around him.

Got some antibiotics and thought OK this will all be over soon. Nope. Monday night Lucy woke up a few times and was really stuffed up, but tylenol seemed to help her. Tuesday morning I woke up feeling miserable. I couldn't get up out of bed. What? Mommy's don't get sick days! Luckily my Dad and sister tag teamed watching Lucy and I got some needed rest. Feeling better that evening I thought I was on the mend... When Lucy, poor baby, decided to cut four teeth. She was up until 3:30am crying and fussing, stuffed up from her sinus's, and teeth hurting her like crazy. Needless to say Wednesday I called the Dr. We have been dealing with little Lucy not sleeping and tugging at her ears and being stuffed up for over 3 weeks. They prescribed us some antibiotics and we didn't have to come in! Thank the Lord! We have already been twice this month for the same problem! I am so happy we have finally gotten antibiotics! She is still on the mend and has one more tooth coming through so maybe we are on the tail end of this!

Wednesday was worse than Tuesday, just because my back has been killing me! I was convinced that the infection had moved to my kidney. My Dr told me to double my water and keep taking antibiotics. Well I can say they know what they are doing, I tripled my water intake and have taken all my antibiotics and can honestly say I woke up this morning feeling an insane amount better, Thank ya Jesus!! My back went from barely able to sit, to being just fine. Antibiotics are great but God is good and the ultimate healer! Hopefully, the antibiotics got all the infection, but I am encouraged by the progress one night made!

It may not seem like that rough of a week to some, but it's been a long few months for Scott and me. I keep telling Scott, when are we just going to hit the bottom of the well. There has to be an end. We have a far distance to climb out! Still working on that attitude, but I know deep inside God has a purpose for all of this in our lives right now. Either way I am so thankful for Lucy and Charlie. They are a blessing. I love them. Well and Scott too! Thanks for reading and keep praying! God is in the works and I know He is looking out for our families best, even if it hurts.

Deterimined!

Yesterday was just right out depressing. I didn't feel good, Lucy was still a little fussy from getting over her sickness for the last two weeks and I was just weary and worn out! But, last night Scott and I were talking, ya know at midnight because that seems to be the only time we can have really good conversations is right before we sleep, and just decided that it was enough! It's OK sometimes to feel frustrated about life. God wants to hear it, He wants my honesty. But it't not OK to dwell on it and harvest it in my heart. Harvesting sin, is never a great crop and will ultimately rot and spoil my insides. So we decided last night, enough is enough!

Enough being a depressing Mommy that I have been. Some days are rough and most days I may be tired, but I gotta tough it out and move on. God is good and great and has given me an amazing family. Life is not fair, and we may not ever get ahead. I may never feel well rested again, but in Heaven I will have eternity to feel renewed. So this morning I got up, showered, drank my coffee, and had some breakfast. Got everything done that I needed to for my fam and am now about to go read some of the Word. Am I still tired, yes! Do I wish Lucy would just take a nap currently, yes! Do I want to crawl back into bed, yes! BUT, that's not what I need to be doing. I need to glorify God today and everyday in everything I do. So I'm gonna strive to push through and lean on the Lord for strength.

I am blogging about this because I really need to step it up. It's time for life to be lived to the fullest God has intended for me and my family. What better way to step up than to post it on the world wide web for accountability. Anyways, pray for patience and wisdom from God to help me get a right attitude. 

My New Job

So recently I have been a little down in the dumps about feeling like I am not contributing to our little Bickley family. Budget cuts, well everywhere, have caused budget cuts in our household. Unfortunately, the dough just aint' risin' in our household for our budget cuts to even make a dent in helping us save. With Charlie on the way, so excited, and unexpected but expected bills to pay (house insurance, car insurance, deductible to have baby Charlie you know the bills that just seem to creep up on you) popping up everywhere it seems like we will never get a breath of air. What a depressing thought?

I have looked at getting a job, but to pay for childcare, and the fact that I am almost 4 months pregnant it's not worth it for me to get a job right now. I just have felt so helpless because all I have felt like I could do was try my best to budget wisely and take care of Lucy. But let me be honest in saying I have not taken "budgeting wisely" seriously. It's been random, "OK I'll save today!" Then the next day I spend money on something not needed or decide to get take outs instead of just cooking the meal I had planned.

So my new job, that I have applied for, don't ask how it's just metaphorically speaking (?), and accepted is going to be the Bickley Budgetter. I am the new VP of the Bickley's Budget. I will pay myself in savings for  family and will work full time starting well today. It is September 1st. I love starting new things on the first of the month :o) So here is my new job description:

-I will be required to meal plan and use what is available in my kitchen.
-This means meal planning from breakfast to my midnight snack.
-Eating out will only have a $20 budget a month. That includes my cravings.
-I will be required to carry around a little notebook to write down every expense, even if I do look like a dork (whatevs).
-Any fun money I get, will be put in a designated account that will not be touched unless the purchase is thoroughly thought out and necessary.
-No more fabric will be bought until one storage bin is empty of fabric.
-I will think resourcefully and not buy on a whim.
-That means that if it aint' on the list, it aint' gettin' bought. 
-I'll suck it up and keep the air at it's set temperature and not change it.
-I will coupon every week unless my family needs me otherwise. (Basically, it wont become an idol but will try to do my best at saving)
-Lucy and I will have a more tight schedule, and free or cheap activities will be researched to ensure we stay in a $10 a month budget for activities.
-Splurging is not allowed unless there is fun money to back it up, and even then it is discouraged.

So I know this seems a little silly or possibly ridiculous to some, but these are the things I struggle with and need better discipline in. I'll hopefully blog about how it's going to this month and maybe, just maybe, will see some risin' in our dough! And hey, tough times call for tough measures, as Mr. B always reminded us in economics, "there's no such thing as a free lunch." Not sure if that's relevant but again, whatevs.

Bead Board Wallpaper Party

This pregnant Mommy has been nesting like a crazy person. I have been painting, wallpapering, hanging and nailing things on the wall for about a month now. It all started with our bedroom. It needed a change. I needed a change so I painted it. Then I thought YUCK I can't deal with the bathroom in our room anymore. Its ugly. Its dark and well ugly. So I painted the tile and the walls. The floor is next...

THEN I took my tool belt and paint brush to the kitchen.... I love bead board. Its so country-cottage-house cute and I love it. I thought it wasn't that expensive and I was just going to do a small area of the kitchen. BUT then my sister, thanks Bethie, mentioned this blog about bead board wall paper. What? I thought ummm.... Wall paper. Are you kidding me, that's a death trap! But after reading and seeing the results from the Southern Hospitality Blog (check it out here http://southernhospitalityblog.com/beadboard-wallpaper-party/)  I was hooked and had to try!

What amazing results I got and for like 80% less of the cost. It took me a few panels to figure it out and it MIGHT have helped to read the directions, but it was super easy and quick once I got the hang of it. Seriously I got amazing results and was so happy with how it turned out. Here a before and after picture. The before picture is when we first moved in three years ago. We had repainted it prior to this update but its a cooler before and after this way ;o)

Enjoy!

The before and after

A closer look!

Learned from one year

Well, I have been realizing that I am so much more calm about this pregnancy than I was with Lucy. I was just talking about it with our Sunday School class this morning actually. With Lucy I was so cautious not to eat steak rare, sushi, any type of fish, careful not to lift heavy things, lay on my back to much, so on and so forth. But this time around I have eaten numerous rare steaks, some fish, lifted my 22 pound Lucy, lay on my back and stuff my face every night. I learned that it's OK to not take common sense things LITERALLY. All things in moderation. Lucy is just fine even though I had sushi, and she is fine even though I had the occasional super caffeinated sweet tea AND she is even fine even though I didn't take my pre-natal vitamins, GASP. So I have been thinking about things I have learned as a parent not to freak out about:

1.) Poop comes in many colors, don't be alarmed if your child has different colored poop from day to day. Its pretty normal.
2.) Spit up, totally normal. Unless he/she can't keep any of the milk or formula down, you don't have a major problem. It's just a part of a babies life.
3.) "Exorcism" like spit up also happens, they are disturbing. But it's OK, things happen. Just clean it up and take a deep breath.
4.) On the spit up note, if she is notorious for spitting up always have a burp cloth or blanket available, don't feed her in your bed, and have an extra shirt.
5.) No need to check on your baby when you hear every little wiggle. Babies wiggle and they grunt.
6.) There is even no need to check on your baby every single time they let out a little peep. Use your brain, if they are crying and it's time to get up or eat, get them up or feed them. Simple as that. Sometimes a little cryig just needs alittle patting and shhing. No need to pick up and soothe, EVERYTIME.
7.) Using the pacifier is legit. No big deal. Just cold turkey it when you're done, you're done. A few nights of crying is better than buck teeth. I mean poor Lucy it's already in my genes, its fighting against her.
8.) Breast feeding is over rated, sorry to offend. But seriously it is hard, time consuming, and OK if you can't go for 6 months or even a year. More power to the Mama's that do, but don't beat yourself up over it. Different things work for different people. She is not going to be an abandoned and unloved child because you don't breastfeed her super long.
9.) Pee pee diapers can go a little longer than you think... If she weighs an extra 7 pounds because of her diaper, you might want to change it, but one little trinkle aint gonna do much.
10.) Poo poo diapers, change them. Don't be rude and make others smell it. It's just not nice.
11.) No need for all the fancy toys, boxes are just great and cheap too.
12.) I slept on my tummy and I am fine... That's all I am going to say...
13.) No need to see the doctor if there is no other symptom besides a fever 101 and under... They will just tell you this, "Give her tylenol (1.85 mL I think...) and alternate it with Motrin every two hours. If she doesn't improve or gets worse call us in the morning." $25 copay for that...
14.) Bumpers are so annoying when trying to change the crib sheet. Velcro instead of tying strings, is WAY easier.
15.) No need for a fancy diaper pale, the inserts and replacements cost to much money to keep up.
16.) In no way should you have scalding water for bath time but come on would you want to sit in a luke warm bath? No. Make it a little warmer. Much more comfortable.
17.) Naptime is great. But someday's it just doesn't work, relax take a drive in the car with the baby. Might help.
18.) Baby books. Hmmm. If you aren't a fan of reading or fly by the seat of your pants. They may just make you frustrated enough that you throw them across the room.... (clears throat...)
19.) Use your family. Use them. Go over to there house whenever they want you there. It's nice to have support and feel the love of your family.
20.) The long nights really do end. I promise.
21.) It's OK to not go by all the books, branch out; figure out what you need to do with YOUR child.
22.) Teach her how to hold her bottle. Totally worth it. TOTALLY
23.) Geeze this list is long.
24.) Every Mom gets frustrated with there child, don't feel like you are the only Mom who has ever wanted to, and has, yelled "Just shut up please for ONE minute!!" We are human, we get frustrated. Apologize though, don't start any bad habits.
25.)  Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is baby crack. Its addicting and they love it.
26.) On that note a little TV never hurt them, again all things in moderation.
27.) One day your sweet little baby, will be a Mommy herself (Lord willing!) one day. Savor the moments.\
28.) Look back and laugh at the bad moments, and cry joyful tears thinking about the good ones. Not worth it to get so frustrated.

The one year I have had to parent so far, has gone by in the blink of an eye. I can't believe she is already one. I remember crying when she was just a few days old as she sat in her swing, peaceful (finally), thinking my baby will be a young woman one day and there is nothing I can do about it. She was created and then given to Scott and me to raise and let go one day. Tip #29 don't speed it up, life goes fast enough by itself, don't rush her to sleep through the night, eat her bottle, sit, crawl, walk, talk and any other milestones!

Love you sweet Lucy Kate and my precious BB2!

The Fourth Brings Back Memories

June and July may bring up some negative memories to me, BUT there are also loads of good ones especially wrapped up in the summer of 2004. Around March of 2004 (end of my sophomore year of high school) there was a time capsule opening at my old Elementary school. Scott just so happened to have been in my kindergarten class and we had gone to school together ever since. I casually told him about the opening and did not expect him to come. I mean come on a school time capsule reopening? Lame. Well I didn't think it was; I am a sentimental person... Anyways, he actually showed up! At the time I didn't have any feelings for him, in fact I had a rather large crush on one of his friends, who shall remain nameless (thank you very much). But I still thought it was neat he came, especially since my ride, thanks T-Guth, wanted to leave early and I wasn't ready to go. Scott offered to take me home and I said sure (did I not mention our parents houses are about half a mile away from eachother? Sweet I know!)

On the ride back to my house, I noticed Scott was listening to Jars of Clay, I was like what? A guy. From my school. Actually listens to Christian music. What? Well I wanting to show off my "Christian music IQ" (you know because that makes you a better Christian... jk) popped in Burlap to Cashmere. Which we listened to about one song, then Scott sort of politely switched it back to Jars of Clay. This is the awesome part...Well one of the awesome parts, we listened to World's Apart. Not only did he sing his heart out, I sang too AND we drove around the block TWICE to finish out the whole song. Y'all there was something special there. No denying it. Well after that we began to chat on AIM, and I actually got an invite to his birthday party (which is a whole story in and of itself).

The evening of his birthday party came quick, because he had just given me an invite that day. Thanks Scott. So I got ready, nervously came into his house and saw a whole swarm of people I didn't know. It was awkward. I spent most of the night talking to his parents, little did I know they would be my inlaws. They actually had a big part in our relationship, they told Scott, "Scott, you have to come upstairs and talk to this girl Jenny!" So he did, might I add arrogantly reclining both arms behind the couch and squeezing his behind in the already crowed couch. Needless to say our conversation was short and left me with a hmm.... Is this the same guy? Lest we not forget, I still had a crush on his friend, who again shall remain nameless (thank you very much.) When I was picked up to go home, I got in the car and said "Scott is so rude, I could never date such a rude guy!" Let me clarify: We were in high school, he thought he was cool, and he was more bold about is opinions than me. We were just different.

We still continued to talk on AIM, and had really great conversations about God and life. The end of the school year came, and since I had a surprise birthday party, he was not invited because my family just didn't know him that well. We still chatted on AIM and we were talking about my dance recital coming up, he said he would like to come. I was like OK... So I dropped TWO tickets off at his house the next day. The dance recital day had come and I had not forgotten about the tickets I gave him. I gave him TWO. Hint, hint, nudge nudge, invite your friend! Right before the show started, I peeked out from behind the curtain, I know a no no (tisk, tisk), and didn't see him. Gotta say I was alittle disappointed. But the show must go on! It did and it was great!

After the recital, I went to see my family and when I turned around to give someone a hug, I saw this smiling tall, dark and handsome guy, walk down the stage right side aisle, with a handful of pink roses. He swooped me in his arms and gave me a big hug. This was no side hug ladies, this was a real hug. The words he said to me I will never forget, "Jenny, you were just beautiful." Wait, what, you're not my dad, or my mom, or a family member? You are actually a real guy saying you thought I was beautiful? I was so touched and blushing red. I had never been told by any other man but my dad, and maybe granddad, that I was beautiful. You know as women we just don't believe it when it's from our dad! He has to say that. Anyways, from that night on, Scott says his eyes were opened to me and he began to have a, "I like you like, like you, like you type of way"

So now we skip to a week later, fourth of July 2004. On the back of my 2003 black chevy cavalier about 9:00 pm at night. Now let me let you know why it was so late. Thanks to Mr. Jon Yarbrough who just wouldn't leave so we could talk! We talked about EVERYTHING, life, love, marriage, school, college, possible college options, how many kids we wanted. We talked so much I didn't even realize my dad's oh so subtle hint of turning off the lights so as to letting me know to come inside. He actually had to come outside and so embarrassingly said, "Jennifer, it's late get inside now! Bye Scott." Whoops... Sorry about that one Dad...

 Alright, I will leave you in suspense as to how the rest of the story goes... Obviously it ends happy so don't be too concerned ;o)

Toodles!

To be or not to be?

Today, as I quickly and with panic drove home from my parents house with a slight stomach ache, I remembered that this past week marked five years since, what I would call terrible experience, I got a stomach bug. Go ahead, you can chuckle. I get it. It's silly for someone to remember and dread the anniversary of their first stomach bug. It sounds quite silly to me too, as I sit and type about it. This blog post is about the big question I faced in times when I had a panic attack, to be or not to be... on medication.

I know I am going to step on somebody's toes and I don't mean to offend, really. I don't. Through the biblical counseling my brother in law did with me, the subject of whether or not I should take medication came up and helped me to gain a better understanding about the matter.

While at a check up at my doctors I mentioned I have been struggling with being anxious. The first thing that came out of her mouth was, would you like to try some medication? I was a little shocked, to be quite honest. You're not going to ask me why I am anxious? Or try to help me in any other way? You're just going to prescribe me something? So, I said well I guess so. She gave me a free sample card for a months supply, then went on her way to her next patient. I had the card for about a week before I brought it up to Ben, my BIL. I was torn between wanting relief from the anxiousness and panic attacks, but knowing myself I would probably not want to get off of them. Which posed a problem, in no way did I want to get addicted or have a reliance to medication.

At our next counseling "session" I guess you could call it, Scott and I sat down with Ben and talked about the option of medication. Here is what we talked about:

- Medication is often times used to balance out chemical imbalances in the brain. But there is not a way, at least that I am aware of, that can test the chemicals in your brain. Therefore, how do I really know if I even have an imbalance?
-Medication, for me and I think many others especially those who are followers of Christ, does not get to the root of the problem. My heart. In my heart I seek after comfort, and when that is not granted I panic. My heart is sinful and desires things of the flesh and not of God. Medication, I believe, would have only put a tarp over my true heart, just hiding it from the surface and preserving the sin. Once that tarp was lifted and the sin was unmasked again, I would be right back at square one. Because the SIN IS STILL THERE!
-Anti Anxiety/Depression medications can make anxiety worse in some cases.
-Sometimes all that is needed is to balance out your thyroid levels, vitamins, diet, and/or exercise which can be easily tested with a routine blood test. (From personal experience what I ate could make the anxiety worse,and if I was not active that did as well. If I sat around the house and did not get out and do things my anxiety got worse.)
-A great way of handling anxiety and depression can be followed by this verse, "Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God and the peace that passes all understanding will guard your heart and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

There have been so many prayers and petitions that I have said to God, and he HAS given me a peace I just do not understand. That peace has helped me get through so many tough situations with anxiety.  God has told me, us, that in everything we should pray and petition to God  our requests and HE will provide a peace we don't understand. I still many times have anxiety and i don't understand how He is going to provide that peace to me, but He does. He does not fail!

The conclusion that we came to, was no medication was not for me. Would it have made this refining process easier, maybe. Would it have made it harder, possibly. Would I change my decision, no.

I don't know if you are reading this and your on medication or your not, or if you hate my guts because of what I said, but look to your heart. What is in it? Is it deceiving you to believe that everything is fine because  it is masked by something? Masked by pity for yourself and your circumstances, by medication, sin, or are you seeing the truth that your heart is deceitful and there are things that need to change? Do it today! Look into your heart, ask God to change it! My anxieties are not gone, and I still ask God why, but He has not let me down, and He has and always will provide for my needs in the way He sees fit.