Were you fooled?

Surprise! We are actually pregnant! No joke, no fooling, no trickery.

We told our families this weekend after keeping out little secret for about two weeks. Which if you know me, you know that a pretty good amount of time. I am about 6 weeks and due sometime in late November. The baby and Charlie will be about 22 months apart. I know, wow you guys are crazy. But, this baby is a super special surprise gift from the Lord and we couldn't be more thrilled!

We told our families this past weekend and it was such a memorable experience. We had pictures done last Wednesday and used some of them to surprise our families. Here are some of them:

We told Scott's family Saturday night after we had eaten a delicious roast beef dinner. They were all so excited and surprised by our "Easter card" we gave them. I am so sad that I don't have any pictures of telling them!

The card on the front said, "We've been keeping a secret..." On the inside "Our Bickley bunch is getting bigger because baby # 3 is due in November!

 My family we told before Easter lunch. Telling them was a bit more eventful because we told them in a slightly different way. We were taking family pictures and I insisted my sisters and I take a picture together. They begrudgingly obliged and we sat on the fireplace. At that point in time Scott passed out the cards to the spouses and my Mom and Dad. It was so chaotic though with all the kids and my hungry pregnant sisters that I finally just yelled as Ben took the picture of the three of us, "SMILE! This may be the ONLY time we are pregnant together!" And this is what I got...

They then said, "WHAT? You're kidding?!?" and then I repeated and yelled (because my Mom didn't hear me) "SMILE, THIS MAY BE THE ONLY TIME WE WILL BE PREGNANT TOGETHER!" Then I got this, with some hugs and tears.

And finally we got this. The three of us pregnant, in order (Beth's due in May, Rebecca in August, and me in November) for a picture together. Such a sweet, forever memorable picture.



My Dad's reaction was the best. He didn't realize I had just announced I was pregnant and finally read the card right before he prayed to bless the food. His prayer was full of love and the sweetest holding back of tears as he thanked God for his grand babies the ones here and the ones coming. I will never forget it.



So there you go, it's true. No fooling, no trickery. Just a little blessing, a little life.

Here's me at six weeks!


Just kidding... That's the belly thing at Motherhood Maternity, I thought it was kind of funny. :)

Indeed it was a Good Friday

Tonight I was driving home from Ross and "Christ is Risen" by Matt Maher came on. The first time I heard this song was on a Sunday morning in the worship service. I remember seeing so many faces in the choir with smiles and bopping and swaying to this song that speaks in so much volume. Since then I have only heard it a hand full of times and each time have been struck to weeping. I just weep when I hear this song. One time it was weeping in distress of being a parent and the difficulties of life, another was remembering the cross and what Jesus Christ did for my sin that day, and I think one time I remember just weeping because musically it is a beautiful song, pleasing to the ears. But today I wept with joy because of a different reason.

As we all know the debate of redefining marriage and marriage equality has been plastered all over the internet and even lots of cars too ;). I don't want to debate it because I think if a mind was to be changed it would not be because of my blog. But just so we are clear, I am NOT unintelligent as to what the Bible says about homosexuality. I am not really even to unintelligent about the Bible. I in no way know it right to left at least not the Old Testament, (any body get that joke?) but I read the Bible and whole heartily believe it to be truthful and inspired by God. It is a sin. Forget the Old Testament argument and look into the New Testament. If you regard the whole Bible to be truly inspired by God, then you can't look past Paul's letters and say there is nothing in the NT about homosexuality  If you don't regard the Bible to be inspired by God then we have a bigger issue, we don't believe the same Bible, so our debating is pointless. On, and on and on, but that's not why I am writing!

When I listened to this song, my heart was full of this "Redefine marriage all you want, let sin reign even more in this corrupt world because death has lost it's sting to me!" I don't live for this world. Christ will still come back and will still stand in front of me when I am before the Lord. Even if this world tries to redefine marriage and become more corrupt this world can not take away my victory that is won in Christ! Hell, where is your victory? In winning a battle over what God has clearly commanded? Then win it, because hell you are not my future or my hope. No my hope is in the fact that Sunday when I go to worship I will worship a risen Savior, who conquered death, who paid my ransom, so I can live and hope in the glory of being one with God. I praise the Lord that I have been redeemed by Jesus' wounds and blood shed. I pray that those who don't know the depth of God's love for them and the depth of His wrath to come without knowing his Son, would humbly come to know Christ.

Thank you Lord for Good Friday!

My not so pretty, very ugly bathroom.

When Scott and I bought the house we live in back in 2008 we knew there would be some updates that would need to be done. We talked about how, well really I talked and Scott listened, we could combine the two bathrooms in our house to make one master bath and add a new bathroom from the hall closet... Yada, yada, blah, blah, blah, reality sunk in a few years later that we would probably never afford to do such a major renovation like that, let alone would we want to put that much money in a home college students would probably eventually destroy.

Back when we first moved, I settled for this... Red walls. It was eh. Boring and just really an eye sore.


When I got pregnant with Charlie in 2011 I on a spur of the moment thought, is there any other way to?,
decided to paint the tile and it looked like this... Not too bad, could be worse but made it look slightly better.
Oh yeah so sometime between those two paint jobs I also tore a hole in the wall because I thought I had enough ambition to knock the tile out. I stopped shortly after remembering there is electricity and it was solid concrete walls. Yikes!

This brings us to 2013! I, being the pinterest addict I am, was browsing and saw a bead boarded bathroom and thought, why couldn't I do that in my bathroom? I have no shower, so there is not moisture in the air for possible mold to grow on the tile behind the bead board. Why not?? So I began planning and budgeting, saved my pennies in my piggy bank and hopped to getting to work.

Phase one: FLOORS and LIGHT FIXTURE
I used Traffic Master Allure peel and stick in stock Cherry wood planks. They were so easy to use and look great they were also AWESOME for the price. $40 for a new floor.
Things I learned:
1.) Don't use sewing scissors  to cut the planks. Get the right tools. They did work but the right tools worked even better!
2.) I was able to finish the floors in two nap times and an hour on a Saturday, but if you have uninterrupted  time it is best to knock it all out, the adhesive starts to stick to things and gets less sticky. Also check Costco for light fixtures, the one I got was just what I was looking for, for $12.95!
3.) Really think about the best use of your planks, think about the sides that you cut in proportion to what end will be seen from the eye.
4.) Don't attach the vanity to the wall until you are ALL the way done with it.
5.) You have to put a new wax seal on the toilet every time you lift it up, so think first before moving it.
6.) Light fixtures are easy, all you need to do is turn the light off, learned that trick from my Dad who knows his electrical rules. Just put a piece of tape over the light switch so no one turns it on and zaps you, and then you fall and get hurt.

Phase two: SINK.
HA. This was supposed to be easy. This was the last problem on my list but quickly became a pain in my rear. I lifted the sink to remove it from the wall and I broke the pipe to the drain pipe. In my defense these pipes were about 60 something years old. Out with the old end with the new pipes I say!
Things I learned:
1.) Gently take things off or away from the perspective place, they can get temperamental.
2.) I am not a plumber. Ladies we are NOT plumbers. Just face it and be OK with it.
3.) A new sink does wonders.



Phase three: BEAD BOARD WALLS.
This was what I was waiting to do! I was so excited to get rid of the tile look from 1954. I used the 4 X 8 sheets of bead board because our tile was about 5 ft up the wall. I cut the right height and width  and then gave all the pieces a couple coats of white paint. The back wall with the sink and toilet was too big for one sheet so I had two pieces. That was difficult because apparently I can't cut in a straight line... I used the 800 times nail glue, I think that was the strength, by making lines up and down and side to side on the bead board and squished to the wall. A few walls were picky and bowed out and that was frustrating. But a part of life and so I moved on and caulk has taken care of the boo boos.
Things I learned:
1.) Cut in a straight line.
2.) Bead Board will rip, so make sure to have some one to hold the end of it while you cut, my van and my knee was my helper, I'd suggest maybe a real person.
3.) Caulk really can pix boo boos so don't be too worried.
4.) Apply a lot of pressure for a good amount of time, 20-30 minutes if not longer,  to the piece you are gluing to the wall.
5.) Do the hardest wall first, and be very careful to measure twice or even three times!
6.) Cut the bead board a little past the top of the tile so that your molding will sit over it.


Phase four: MOLDING
My budget was low so my molding consisted of a 2x4 stud that could eventually have prettier molding added to it. I had to use a 2x4 to make sure the molding would be deep enough to cover the gap from the protruding tile. Cut the pieces, and then painted them a ton before putting on the wall. Then I used a nail gun to nail them to the wall. Well actually Scott did, I can't stand the loud noise.
Things I learned:
1.) I hate the loud noise of the power tools.
2.) Wear your safety goggles, just in case.
3.) Do many coats of paint the wood soaks in A LOT.

Phase five: FINISH UP CAULKING AND PLUMBING
After all this was dried I caulked above the molding and below, the window seal, around the vanity, and any gaps from my not so straight cutting.
Things I learned:
1.) Seriously caulk can fix ANY thing.
2.) Plumbing is hard and prepare to be frustrated and make a bazillion trips to Lowes for supplies.
3.) Look back and smile and the work you did. It will look good!


Phase six: BASEBOARDS AND QUARTER ROUND
Haven't done this yet... Will update.

All in all I am so happy with how the bathroom turned out. I am DONE renovating it... I think... at least for these next few years. I worked with the cash I had and I am soo glad I didn't go beyond what I had. It is very rewarding to know that this was done within our means and by my own hands. Things I learned from the whole process:
1.) Love me a took belt. I got one from my Daddy for Christmas and wore it often. It was so nice to have all my tools right there.
2.) Measure twice and then measure again. It's better to haul the piece back and forth until you get it right than to cut it too short the first time and have wasted material.
3.) Have patience with your spouse if you have a vision they just can't see. They will in the end when it's done :)
4.) Always expect for the unexpected. : )
5.) Put your mind to it and do it!

 

2012 In a Nutshell

I thought I was done with blogging. Time, energy, guilt of not updating, and tend to over share are some of my reasons I stopped. Plus the holidays came around and I forgot! But I have been getting the "itch" to write again. An incredible amount of significant events happened in 2012 that I want to be able to look back and remember just how FAR God has brought my family and me. So here goes... 2012 in a nutshell!

January:

Charlie. My precious son was born on the 15th. He stole my heart from that first little velociraptor cry he gave. His labor and delivery was a remarkable, indescribable experience. I will have to blog about later. He was born and our hearts were heavy with joy. He is still incredible. Love that handsome goober.  But he shortly after birth was proving to have middle child syndrome and not even be a middle child yet! The day after we brought him home from the hospital we went in for our Dr. visit and were sent to get blood tests for jaundice. We ended up back in the hospital within a few hours and my little baby was in glow worm status. He was under the mosquito trap lights just for a night (or maybe two... I honestly can't remember  which is crazy because in he midst of the difficulties I thought I would always remember) and we were able to get home the next evening. Exhausted. I should also add that night we got home, Lucy fell out of her toddler bed and I as Mommy bear (four days after having Charlie, stitches and all jumped out of bed and quickly swooped her up and held her tight as she cried). Just one of those things I remember. We were at the Dr with him pretty much every day checking his billi levels and weight (he also was having trouble gaining weight) until he was about 10 days old. 

Scott. My awesome, handsome, wonderful man. He also stole my heart again in 2012. At the end of January he interviewed for a new job with a different company with "better hours" and closer to home. He actually had an interview while we were still in the hospital with Charlie after he was born. To be continued...

February:

Charlie. Wide eyed, sweet son spit up a lot. Like more than babies should. He struggled to get rid of his jaundice for a few weeks and we continued to struggle to figure out how to get him to gain weight. I was pumping and feeding every 2-3 hours, but still needed to supplement with formula. At three weeks his spitting up became significant after every feeding he would projectile everything he ate. Which was incredibly difficult to watch and frustrating seeing all the golden nursing milk be spit up. Finally the first Friday of February my Mommy instincts said something it NOT right. This is not just reflux, every time I laid him down it all came out, and even if there was nothing he just spit up. Took him to the doctors and was told he would need to be admitted to the hospital to get to the bottom of this since he had lost a few ounces since his last visit two days ago (yes we were going that often). So I very sadly and exhausted drove to the hospital (called Scott who was in between jobs to come meet me.) We were admitted and he continued to spit up. This time even before I fed him. The next day the doctors were able to do a barium swallow to tell us whether or not he had what is called Pyloric Stenosis or bad reflux. As he drank the white chalk and the x-ray tech did the examination he proceeded to vomit the bottle up and she said, "yes , surgery is needed it's pyloric stenosis." The easiest explanation is this, the pylorus muscle is at the base of his stomach and it is supposed to expand and contract to let food go through. Well his was squeezed shut and food could not pass. All that was required was to make a little cut in the muscle to loosen it up. By this point in time he looks miserable. I can still remember those droopy little eyes just barely staying awake to look at me. He was so hungry, but seemed to be in so much pain because of all the strain on his throat. My little guy was just helpless. God was so good to us though. Within three hours of that test the operating room was miraculously open on a Saturday afternoon, the surgeon was ready, and they were ready to take him in for surgery. He went in, my little baby just THREE weeks old! The surgery only lasted about an hour and he was sent back up to us after two hours. From then on we had to go from feeding him very minimal amounts to 30 cc, but if he spit up at all we had to go back down to the previous feeding amount. When he successfully ate it without spitting up he was free to go. After four nights in the hospital we came home! 

Lucy. Sweetest big sister ever. I am so glad kids are resilient. She had so much transitioning to do. New bed, slept over at my parents for at least a week in the last two months, had a new brother, and had to share Mommy and Daddy. She had this nagging cough for a while. Unfortunately while Charlie was in the hospital for his surgery it turned into croup which a few days later almost turned into phenomena. Between Charlie in the hospital and Lucy sick it was rough. I ended up staying home with Lucy the night before he came home so she could get some rest, HA! Any one ever given a steroid medicine to a one year old! She was wired in the middle of the night! It was nice though to have some time with her, just the two of us even if it was 3 am.

Scott. BEST HUSBAND and DAD EVER! He was supposed to start his new job the Monday when Charlie was admitted to the hospital. So this means we were without insurance for the time Charlie was in the hospital and his surgery. We have paid the bills off, but God provided for us we were considered a teaching case, can't remember what it is called, so we didn't have to pay for our room or stay in the hospital, just the surgeon and anesthesia. The first week of his new job, our amazing, sweet Nana went to be with the Lord. We were so thankful she wasn't in pain anymore, missing her beloved husband, and with the Lord. But it sure felt like the cherry to top off our start to the new year. 

Me. What can I say, I was exhausted, trying to heal, heart breaking that I was not there for my little girl, taking care of my little son who needed me, exhausted, sore, anxious, scared, did I mention absolutely exhausted. Motherhood with two hit me hard! The guilt of not being there for Lucy, and longing to be with her, but wanting to bond with Charlie and getting to know him. Nursing also was not going well. I so desperately wanted to nurse with Charlie. I nursed Lucy for about four months and I desired to nurse Charlie  longer. But with all the pumping, lack of him nursing, and stress of him not gaining weight I gave it up after he was four weeks. Such a let down, no pun intended for my BF Mommas ;). I just wanted to be able to have that connection with him, but I felt like his newborn stage was just stripped from me. It's still a struggle I have to remind myself to say that God is GOOD, in ALL things. That means ALL things. 

March to June:

These months were semi uneventful minus Scott working ridiculous hours we were NOT prepared for. As well as we were sick like this whole time. I mean we were in the doctors office like once a week! God is so good again though, that we really do love our doctors office. We continued to adjust to having two kids and I would have to say the adjustment up to that point hadn't been to bad, average I would say. Tiring, yes, but a time of growth.

June:

Started out a great month. My birthday, Lucy's second birthday, Scott and I's fifth anniversary. By the end of the month I crashed. I remember it very well, we went in for Lucy's two year check up and I was incredibly anxious. I had started to struggle again with anxiety and panic attacks the last month. I talked to our Dr and he said it sounded like I had some postpartum depression. He prescribed me something, which up until this point I have not tried medicine. You can read about my personal convictions on that somewhere on this blog.  I went home and took it. I completely broke down. I couldn't get out of bed, take care of the kids, eat, or function. For four days I struggled like this. But God is GOOD. He is good because He knew that some point in time I would need a person to allow the Holy Spirit to speak through them and that person was my sister, Beth. I went to her house and sat on her porch and just cried. I said, "Beth I don't want to do this anymore! I am so tired of being anxious, why won't God heal me? He has all the power to, why won't He?" And she read my from Romans 8:28 " God works ALL things for the GOOD of those who know Him and called according to His purposes." Do you believe this is true, do you believe that God is working all your struggles for His good and His purpose and plan. Do you believe that what Christ did on the cross is enough to take the burden of your sin of anxiety and worry? Because what Christ did IS enough." We talked some more about suffering and we prayed. One day I will blog more about it. From then on I have stopped blaming God and asking Him to heal me. Because I KNOW He is working all things for my good. Christ has defeated death and I no longer have to carry the burden of being healed or restored in this world, God will bring restoration to my body when I go to be with Him. The anxiety is NOT gone, and it is still difficult to deal with, but I let God's truth, not lies from Satan, penetrate my heart and thoughts.  

July-August:

Semi uneventful too, Lucy is now two and acting it too. We begin a new chapter of parenting, which brings its new challenges. 

September:

Lucy started preschool two days a week in the mornings, she loves it!

October:

It became very obvious to us that Scott was about to be laid off of his job. Two days before Halloween he and a group of his co workers were laid off for lack of work. Bluh. That's all I have to say about this situation. We started praying God where do you want us? We are at a crossroads, where do we go? God is good, we sought Him and He answered. Scott was offered a job at his first job, in a new position. We love this workplace, FSU Bb is our work family! They were there when we started college, got engaged, married, and had Lucy. We just love them! So glad he was able to go back. 

December:

What a good month, our sweet niece Addy was born by John and Dani Su, Scott's sister and brother in law came into town and we found out BOTH of my sisters are pregnant!

2012 was a testing year. A new baby, health problems, loss, changing jobs three jobs, breakdowns, job loss, and a lot of doctor visits were things I look back on and just make me want to weep. But I can't stay there long before seeing how GREAT and AMAZING the Lord I serve is. He is the healer, teacher, life giver, Almighty. He has sustained me and continues to. He IS working all things for His good. He has provided amazing family, friends, and church body. I guess this blog post is a little wrong so if you stopped reading that's OK. Its for me. To see as a reminder of how far God can take me when I let Him use me for his purposes. Thank you Lord for 2012, but welcome 2013! 

This is a video of Charlie when he was about eight months. It is one of my favorites. 

A Generation in Need of Help!

Recently, I have been really distraught by my generation and the generation ahead of me. I feel like we are under the impression that we don't need to learn from our elders. We know best. It's so prideful. I know this is going to step on toes and although I do not mean to offend it probably will.

What happened to learning from those who have gone before us? Why do men my age think that they should start a new, with the times, church? Why can't they go and learn under some very great Pastors that can mentor and help cultivate their hearts so they can grow in ministry? Why can't people who have kids lay down their pride and say you know what I don't know everything and stop questioning people put into leadership with proper training and who have experienced raising children!

Give it up! Set aside your pride and listen (this is me telling myself too) I have so much to learn and those who are older than me, I mean 50's and up (no offense to the 30's and 40's).  I should be on my toes waiting to hear what they have to say. My Grandma every week tells me a story about her past or something she used to do with her kids or a meal she would cook, how she would clean something. Listen! I need to listen to her, she has been there done that! So stop thinking you know everything and LISTEN!

If I would listen to half the things my Mom says to me I would be in good shape. She has the best advice/wisdom and she knows her stuff. If I would just listen more I could learn so much!

To my generation and the one ahead, stop trying to know it all and LISTEN!

OK, I am done with m rant. Sorry, it is my blog and from the beginning I said I would be straight up.

What a week.

Seriously I have to say this has been one of the worst weeks Scott and I have had in a while. We are totally worn down and though I know it could be worse, and I am thankful it is not, it still was a very long week.

Monday started out pretty good. I didn't feel great, my back was hurting and I was cramping some butI just chalked it up to baby Charlie being well a baby in my tummy. So I went to my Grandma's house to hand out and help her around her house. I ended up leaving 45 minutes after getting there just not feeling great. Back pain was getting a little worse and Lucy being fussy, for the fourth week in a row may I add, I decided to go home and rest. Got home rested and the back pain and cramping persisted.

About 11:00am Lucy woke up and I was determined we were going to go on a picnic so I got up and got her, but I started having really painful cramping in my lower abdomen and back. I kept trying to say it will pass, I'm just sore. But after getting in the car we immediately got out and went back in. I began to have what felt like contractions. If you have had a baby there is no mistaking it. It started in my lower back and just wrapped around to my stomach, and my stomach felt hard. I felt like maybe OK it's just bad gas... What I'm pregnant? I called my doctors office, then Scott, and then my Mom. I couldn't seem to get comfortable an it did not pass with a trip to the potty...

About 30 minutes after calling my doctor with no reply, my Mom and I decided it was time to go to Triage. What I was feeling was intense and scary and not right. So we dropped off Lucy at Beth's house and headed to the Women's Pavillion. Which was a great! It wasn't busy, it was quiet, and they brought me back within 20 minutes. They took a urine sample and hooked me up to the itchy contraction machine. Although I KNOW I was having contractions they weren't showing up which was utterly frustrating. But the nurse said I may not have been far enough along to pick up the contractions. They believe the Mommy over the monitor :)

I gotta say driving to the hospital and sitting waiting to see the doctor I was utterly convicted with guilt for the way I have been acting towards this pregnancy. I kept thinking I was losing Charlie. I am only 20 weeks, well 21 now, and there is such a low chance he would survive if he is born now. I was just hit with sadness and guilt. I have been such a complainer about this pregnancy. Yes, there are some really unpleasant things, but all to often I have neglected to say "Thank you GOD for this precious little boy you have given me!" The thought of losing him was just heartbreaking. Definitely a wake up call.

Once the doctor came in he told me there was a lot of blood in my urine (sorry I don't know how else I can put it?) So basically I just had a super bad urinary tract infection or a kidney stone. Thank goodness we are pretty sure there is no kidney stone, pretty sure we would know by now. But because my uterus sits on my bladder the infection was causing the contractions. Phew! What a sigh of relief Scott and I gave when we found out that was all! Baby Charlie's heart beat sounded great and he didn't seem to be disturbed by the little earthquake going on around him.

Got some antibiotics and thought OK this will all be over soon. Nope. Monday night Lucy woke up a few times and was really stuffed up, but tylenol seemed to help her. Tuesday morning I woke up feeling miserable. I couldn't get up out of bed. What? Mommy's don't get sick days! Luckily my Dad and sister tag teamed watching Lucy and I got some needed rest. Feeling better that evening I thought I was on the mend... When Lucy, poor baby, decided to cut four teeth. She was up until 3:30am crying and fussing, stuffed up from her sinus's, and teeth hurting her like crazy. Needless to say Wednesday I called the Dr. We have been dealing with little Lucy not sleeping and tugging at her ears and being stuffed up for over 3 weeks. They prescribed us some antibiotics and we didn't have to come in! Thank the Lord! We have already been twice this month for the same problem! I am so happy we have finally gotten antibiotics! She is still on the mend and has one more tooth coming through so maybe we are on the tail end of this!

Wednesday was worse than Tuesday, just because my back has been killing me! I was convinced that the infection had moved to my kidney. My Dr told me to double my water and keep taking antibiotics. Well I can say they know what they are doing, I tripled my water intake and have taken all my antibiotics and can honestly say I woke up this morning feeling an insane amount better, Thank ya Jesus!! My back went from barely able to sit, to being just fine. Antibiotics are great but God is good and the ultimate healer! Hopefully, the antibiotics got all the infection, but I am encouraged by the progress one night made!

It may not seem like that rough of a week to some, but it's been a long few months for Scott and me. I keep telling Scott, when are we just going to hit the bottom of the well. There has to be an end. We have a far distance to climb out! Still working on that attitude, but I know deep inside God has a purpose for all of this in our lives right now. Either way I am so thankful for Lucy and Charlie. They are a blessing. I love them. Well and Scott too! Thanks for reading and keep praying! God is in the works and I know He is looking out for our families best, even if it hurts.

Deterimined!

Yesterday was just right out depressing. I didn't feel good, Lucy was still a little fussy from getting over her sickness for the last two weeks and I was just weary and worn out! But, last night Scott and I were talking, ya know at midnight because that seems to be the only time we can have really good conversations is right before we sleep, and just decided that it was enough! It's OK sometimes to feel frustrated about life. God wants to hear it, He wants my honesty. But it't not OK to dwell on it and harvest it in my heart. Harvesting sin, is never a great crop and will ultimately rot and spoil my insides. So we decided last night, enough is enough!

Enough being a depressing Mommy that I have been. Some days are rough and most days I may be tired, but I gotta tough it out and move on. God is good and great and has given me an amazing family. Life is not fair, and we may not ever get ahead. I may never feel well rested again, but in Heaven I will have eternity to feel renewed. So this morning I got up, showered, drank my coffee, and had some breakfast. Got everything done that I needed to for my fam and am now about to go read some of the Word. Am I still tired, yes! Do I wish Lucy would just take a nap currently, yes! Do I want to crawl back into bed, yes! BUT, that's not what I need to be doing. I need to glorify God today and everyday in everything I do. So I'm gonna strive to push through and lean on the Lord for strength.

I am blogging about this because I really need to step it up. It's time for life to be lived to the fullest God has intended for me and my family. What better way to step up than to post it on the world wide web for accountability. Anyways, pray for patience and wisdom from God to help me get a right attitude. 

My New Job

So recently I have been a little down in the dumps about feeling like I am not contributing to our little Bickley family. Budget cuts, well everywhere, have caused budget cuts in our household. Unfortunately, the dough just aint' risin' in our household for our budget cuts to even make a dent in helping us save. With Charlie on the way, so excited, and unexpected but expected bills to pay (house insurance, car insurance, deductible to have baby Charlie you know the bills that just seem to creep up on you) popping up everywhere it seems like we will never get a breath of air. What a depressing thought?

I have looked at getting a job, but to pay for childcare, and the fact that I am almost 4 months pregnant it's not worth it for me to get a job right now. I just have felt so helpless because all I have felt like I could do was try my best to budget wisely and take care of Lucy. But let me be honest in saying I have not taken "budgeting wisely" seriously. It's been random, "OK I'll save today!" Then the next day I spend money on something not needed or decide to get take outs instead of just cooking the meal I had planned.

So my new job, that I have applied for, don't ask how it's just metaphorically speaking (?), and accepted is going to be the Bickley Budgetter. I am the new VP of the Bickley's Budget. I will pay myself in savings for  family and will work full time starting well today. It is September 1st. I love starting new things on the first of the month :o) So here is my new job description:

-I will be required to meal plan and use what is available in my kitchen.
-This means meal planning from breakfast to my midnight snack.
-Eating out will only have a $20 budget a month. That includes my cravings.
-I will be required to carry around a little notebook to write down every expense, even if I do look like a dork (whatevs).
-Any fun money I get, will be put in a designated account that will not be touched unless the purchase is thoroughly thought out and necessary.
-No more fabric will be bought until one storage bin is empty of fabric.
-I will think resourcefully and not buy on a whim.
-That means that if it aint' on the list, it aint' gettin' bought. 
-I'll suck it up and keep the air at it's set temperature and not change it.
-I will coupon every week unless my family needs me otherwise. (Basically, it wont become an idol but will try to do my best at saving)
-Lucy and I will have a more tight schedule, and free or cheap activities will be researched to ensure we stay in a $10 a month budget for activities.
-Splurging is not allowed unless there is fun money to back it up, and even then it is discouraged.

So I know this seems a little silly or possibly ridiculous to some, but these are the things I struggle with and need better discipline in. I'll hopefully blog about how it's going to this month and maybe, just maybe, will see some risin' in our dough! And hey, tough times call for tough measures, as Mr. B always reminded us in economics, "there's no such thing as a free lunch." Not sure if that's relevant but again, whatevs.

Bead Board Wallpaper Party

This pregnant Mommy has been nesting like a crazy person. I have been painting, wallpapering, hanging and nailing things on the wall for about a month now. It all started with our bedroom. It needed a change. I needed a change so I painted it. Then I thought YUCK I can't deal with the bathroom in our room anymore. Its ugly. Its dark and well ugly. So I painted the tile and the walls. The floor is next...

THEN I took my tool belt and paint brush to the kitchen.... I love bead board. Its so country-cottage-house cute and I love it. I thought it wasn't that expensive and I was just going to do a small area of the kitchen. BUT then my sister, thanks Bethie, mentioned this blog about bead board wall paper. What? I thought ummm.... Wall paper. Are you kidding me, that's a death trap! But after reading and seeing the results from the Southern Hospitality Blog (check it out here http://southernhospitalityblog.com/beadboard-wallpaper-party/)  I was hooked and had to try!

What amazing results I got and for like 80% less of the cost. It took me a few panels to figure it out and it MIGHT have helped to read the directions, but it was super easy and quick once I got the hang of it. Seriously I got amazing results and was so happy with how it turned out. Here a before and after picture. The before picture is when we first moved in three years ago. We had repainted it prior to this update but its a cooler before and after this way ;o)

Enjoy!

The before and after

A closer look!

Learned from one year

Well, I have been realizing that I am so much more calm about this pregnancy than I was with Lucy. I was just talking about it with our Sunday School class this morning actually. With Lucy I was so cautious not to eat steak rare, sushi, any type of fish, careful not to lift heavy things, lay on my back to much, so on and so forth. But this time around I have eaten numerous rare steaks, some fish, lifted my 22 pound Lucy, lay on my back and stuff my face every night. I learned that it's OK to not take common sense things LITERALLY. All things in moderation. Lucy is just fine even though I had sushi, and she is fine even though I had the occasional super caffeinated sweet tea AND she is even fine even though I didn't take my pre-natal vitamins, GASP. So I have been thinking about things I have learned as a parent not to freak out about:

1.) Poop comes in many colors, don't be alarmed if your child has different colored poop from day to day. Its pretty normal.
2.) Spit up, totally normal. Unless he/she can't keep any of the milk or formula down, you don't have a major problem. It's just a part of a babies life.
3.) "Exorcism" like spit up also happens, they are disturbing. But it's OK, things happen. Just clean it up and take a deep breath.
4.) On the spit up note, if she is notorious for spitting up always have a burp cloth or blanket available, don't feed her in your bed, and have an extra shirt.
5.) No need to check on your baby when you hear every little wiggle. Babies wiggle and they grunt.
6.) There is even no need to check on your baby every single time they let out a little peep. Use your brain, if they are crying and it's time to get up or eat, get them up or feed them. Simple as that. Sometimes a little cryig just needs alittle patting and shhing. No need to pick up and soothe, EVERYTIME.
7.) Using the pacifier is legit. No big deal. Just cold turkey it when you're done, you're done. A few nights of crying is better than buck teeth. I mean poor Lucy it's already in my genes, its fighting against her.
8.) Breast feeding is over rated, sorry to offend. But seriously it is hard, time consuming, and OK if you can't go for 6 months or even a year. More power to the Mama's that do, but don't beat yourself up over it. Different things work for different people. She is not going to be an abandoned and unloved child because you don't breastfeed her super long.
9.) Pee pee diapers can go a little longer than you think... If she weighs an extra 7 pounds because of her diaper, you might want to change it, but one little trinkle aint gonna do much.
10.) Poo poo diapers, change them. Don't be rude and make others smell it. It's just not nice.
11.) No need for all the fancy toys, boxes are just great and cheap too.
12.) I slept on my tummy and I am fine... That's all I am going to say...
13.) No need to see the doctor if there is no other symptom besides a fever 101 and under... They will just tell you this, "Give her tylenol (1.85 mL I think...) and alternate it with Motrin every two hours. If she doesn't improve or gets worse call us in the morning." $25 copay for that...
14.) Bumpers are so annoying when trying to change the crib sheet. Velcro instead of tying strings, is WAY easier.
15.) No need for a fancy diaper pale, the inserts and replacements cost to much money to keep up.
16.) In no way should you have scalding water for bath time but come on would you want to sit in a luke warm bath? No. Make it a little warmer. Much more comfortable.
17.) Naptime is great. But someday's it just doesn't work, relax take a drive in the car with the baby. Might help.
18.) Baby books. Hmmm. If you aren't a fan of reading or fly by the seat of your pants. They may just make you frustrated enough that you throw them across the room.... (clears throat...)
19.) Use your family. Use them. Go over to there house whenever they want you there. It's nice to have support and feel the love of your family.
20.) The long nights really do end. I promise.
21.) It's OK to not go by all the books, branch out; figure out what you need to do with YOUR child.
22.) Teach her how to hold her bottle. Totally worth it. TOTALLY
23.) Geeze this list is long.
24.) Every Mom gets frustrated with there child, don't feel like you are the only Mom who has ever wanted to, and has, yelled "Just shut up please for ONE minute!!" We are human, we get frustrated. Apologize though, don't start any bad habits.
25.)  Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is baby crack. Its addicting and they love it.
26.) On that note a little TV never hurt them, again all things in moderation.
27.) One day your sweet little baby, will be a Mommy herself (Lord willing!) one day. Savor the moments.\
28.) Look back and laugh at the bad moments, and cry joyful tears thinking about the good ones. Not worth it to get so frustrated.

The one year I have had to parent so far, has gone by in the blink of an eye. I can't believe she is already one. I remember crying when she was just a few days old as she sat in her swing, peaceful (finally), thinking my baby will be a young woman one day and there is nothing I can do about it. She was created and then given to Scott and me to raise and let go one day. Tip #29 don't speed it up, life goes fast enough by itself, don't rush her to sleep through the night, eat her bottle, sit, crawl, walk, talk and any other milestones!

Love you sweet Lucy Kate and my precious BB2!

The Fourth Brings Back Memories

June and July may bring up some negative memories to me, BUT there are also loads of good ones especially wrapped up in the summer of 2004. Around March of 2004 (end of my sophomore year of high school) there was a time capsule opening at my old Elementary school. Scott just so happened to have been in my kindergarten class and we had gone to school together ever since. I casually told him about the opening and did not expect him to come. I mean come on a school time capsule reopening? Lame. Well I didn't think it was; I am a sentimental person... Anyways, he actually showed up! At the time I didn't have any feelings for him, in fact I had a rather large crush on one of his friends, who shall remain nameless (thank you very much). But I still thought it was neat he came, especially since my ride, thanks T-Guth, wanted to leave early and I wasn't ready to go. Scott offered to take me home and I said sure (did I not mention our parents houses are about half a mile away from eachother? Sweet I know!)

On the ride back to my house, I noticed Scott was listening to Jars of Clay, I was like what? A guy. From my school. Actually listens to Christian music. What? Well I wanting to show off my "Christian music IQ" (you know because that makes you a better Christian... jk) popped in Burlap to Cashmere. Which we listened to about one song, then Scott sort of politely switched it back to Jars of Clay. This is the awesome part...Well one of the awesome parts, we listened to World's Apart. Not only did he sing his heart out, I sang too AND we drove around the block TWICE to finish out the whole song. Y'all there was something special there. No denying it. Well after that we began to chat on AIM, and I actually got an invite to his birthday party (which is a whole story in and of itself).

The evening of his birthday party came quick, because he had just given me an invite that day. Thanks Scott. So I got ready, nervously came into his house and saw a whole swarm of people I didn't know. It was awkward. I spent most of the night talking to his parents, little did I know they would be my inlaws. They actually had a big part in our relationship, they told Scott, "Scott, you have to come upstairs and talk to this girl Jenny!" So he did, might I add arrogantly reclining both arms behind the couch and squeezing his behind in the already crowed couch. Needless to say our conversation was short and left me with a hmm.... Is this the same guy? Lest we not forget, I still had a crush on his friend, who again shall remain nameless (thank you very much.) When I was picked up to go home, I got in the car and said "Scott is so rude, I could never date such a rude guy!" Let me clarify: We were in high school, he thought he was cool, and he was more bold about is opinions than me. We were just different.

We still continued to talk on AIM, and had really great conversations about God and life. The end of the school year came, and since I had a surprise birthday party, he was not invited because my family just didn't know him that well. We still chatted on AIM and we were talking about my dance recital coming up, he said he would like to come. I was like OK... So I dropped TWO tickets off at his house the next day. The dance recital day had come and I had not forgotten about the tickets I gave him. I gave him TWO. Hint, hint, nudge nudge, invite your friend! Right before the show started, I peeked out from behind the curtain, I know a no no (tisk, tisk), and didn't see him. Gotta say I was alittle disappointed. But the show must go on! It did and it was great!

After the recital, I went to see my family and when I turned around to give someone a hug, I saw this smiling tall, dark and handsome guy, walk down the stage right side aisle, with a handful of pink roses. He swooped me in his arms and gave me a big hug. This was no side hug ladies, this was a real hug. The words he said to me I will never forget, "Jenny, you were just beautiful." Wait, what, you're not my dad, or my mom, or a family member? You are actually a real guy saying you thought I was beautiful? I was so touched and blushing red. I had never been told by any other man but my dad, and maybe granddad, that I was beautiful. You know as women we just don't believe it when it's from our dad! He has to say that. Anyways, from that night on, Scott says his eyes were opened to me and he began to have a, "I like you like, like you, like you type of way"

So now we skip to a week later, fourth of July 2004. On the back of my 2003 black chevy cavalier about 9:00 pm at night. Now let me let you know why it was so late. Thanks to Mr. Jon Yarbrough who just wouldn't leave so we could talk! We talked about EVERYTHING, life, love, marriage, school, college, possible college options, how many kids we wanted. We talked so much I didn't even realize my dad's oh so subtle hint of turning off the lights so as to letting me know to come inside. He actually had to come outside and so embarrassingly said, "Jennifer, it's late get inside now! Bye Scott." Whoops... Sorry about that one Dad...

 Alright, I will leave you in suspense as to how the rest of the story goes... Obviously it ends happy so don't be too concerned ;o)

Toodles!

To be or not to be?

Today, as I quickly and with panic drove home from my parents house with a slight stomach ache, I remembered that this past week marked five years since, what I would call terrible experience, I got a stomach bug. Go ahead, you can chuckle. I get it. It's silly for someone to remember and dread the anniversary of their first stomach bug. It sounds quite silly to me too, as I sit and type about it. This blog post is about the big question I faced in times when I had a panic attack, to be or not to be... on medication.

I know I am going to step on somebody's toes and I don't mean to offend, really. I don't. Through the biblical counseling my brother in law did with me, the subject of whether or not I should take medication came up and helped me to gain a better understanding about the matter.

While at a check up at my doctors I mentioned I have been struggling with being anxious. The first thing that came out of her mouth was, would you like to try some medication? I was a little shocked, to be quite honest. You're not going to ask me why I am anxious? Or try to help me in any other way? You're just going to prescribe me something? So, I said well I guess so. She gave me a free sample card for a months supply, then went on her way to her next patient. I had the card for about a week before I brought it up to Ben, my BIL. I was torn between wanting relief from the anxiousness and panic attacks, but knowing myself I would probably not want to get off of them. Which posed a problem, in no way did I want to get addicted or have a reliance to medication.

At our next counseling "session" I guess you could call it, Scott and I sat down with Ben and talked about the option of medication. Here is what we talked about:

- Medication is often times used to balance out chemical imbalances in the brain. But there is not a way, at least that I am aware of, that can test the chemicals in your brain. Therefore, how do I really know if I even have an imbalance?
-Medication, for me and I think many others especially those who are followers of Christ, does not get to the root of the problem. My heart. In my heart I seek after comfort, and when that is not granted I panic. My heart is sinful and desires things of the flesh and not of God. Medication, I believe, would have only put a tarp over my true heart, just hiding it from the surface and preserving the sin. Once that tarp was lifted and the sin was unmasked again, I would be right back at square one. Because the SIN IS STILL THERE!
-Anti Anxiety/Depression medications can make anxiety worse in some cases.
-Sometimes all that is needed is to balance out your thyroid levels, vitamins, diet, and/or exercise which can be easily tested with a routine blood test. (From personal experience what I ate could make the anxiety worse,and if I was not active that did as well. If I sat around the house and did not get out and do things my anxiety got worse.)
-A great way of handling anxiety and depression can be followed by this verse, "Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God and the peace that passes all understanding will guard your heart and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

There have been so many prayers and petitions that I have said to God, and he HAS given me a peace I just do not understand. That peace has helped me get through so many tough situations with anxiety.  God has told me, us, that in everything we should pray and petition to God  our requests and HE will provide a peace we don't understand. I still many times have anxiety and i don't understand how He is going to provide that peace to me, but He does. He does not fail!

The conclusion that we came to, was no medication was not for me. Would it have made this refining process easier, maybe. Would it have made it harder, possibly. Would I change my decision, no.

I don't know if you are reading this and your on medication or your not, or if you hate my guts because of what I said, but look to your heart. What is in it? Is it deceiving you to believe that everything is fine because  it is masked by something? Masked by pity for yourself and your circumstances, by medication, sin, or are you seeing the truth that your heart is deceitful and there are things that need to change? Do it today! Look into your heart, ask God to change it! My anxieties are not gone, and I still ask God why, but He has not let me down, and He has and always will provide for my needs in the way He sees fit.

Been a while...

Let's see, let's see where to begin!? It has been so long since I last blogged. Recap of the Bickley happenings:

Lucy turned ONE! We had a great birthday party full of cake and spaghetti. It was just a small family, nothing to go to the papers with but it was a great time! She quickly realized cake is real good and made sure to eat as much as she could.

BB2 as far as we know is doing good too! He or she is about the size of a kamquot... and enjoys making Mommy tired. A small price to pay for another baby.... OK let's not lie, it's a big price to pay for baby, but I know it will be worth it!

Scott is chugging along in his seminary classes and might I add getting straight A's on everything thus far. Up top high five! I really can't imagine going back to school.... Again. Phew seriously I would not make it.

Me. Well I am chugging along to, hoping the second trimester, in two weeks, will bring me more energy. Hoping and praying and planning and dreaming. Poor Scott made the comment just this morning, "Man it is so nice having my drawers full of clean clothes!" you get my drift?

On a side note Lucy surprises me everyday. Like today. She can now climb onto a lower couch and does the chop. That's my little seminole. She also tries to feed herself with a spoon, which is quite messy, but so cute! She also is now in the 50%tile for height and weight. So her little chunks are becoming proportional :) She is awesome. I know each month it's going to get better and better.

On another side note Lucy has decided to change her nap time, times. Like now she is supposed to still asleep for another hour, she's up. That means I'm out!

Toodles!

BB2 Update and Someone's almost ONE!

Well we have had a busy week in the Bickley home and we aren't slowing down! This past week we got to see BB2 on the big screen AKA: the ultrasound machine :o) He or she is doing great! Healthy and thriving so far! We are about 8 weeks and a couple of days along, so we thankfully have a ways to go!

I know, I know I look so young it could be me turning 1! But sorry to confuse you, it's actually Lucy Kate who is turning 1! Sunday we will celebrate her birthday Mickey Mouse Clubhouse style and Tuesday is her actual day of birth :o) Its been such a great with her but I will be sappy on Tuesday when it really sinks in that my baby girl is growing up and there is nothing I can do about it!

Phew, it has been busy. More updates to come later but this will have to hold the masses over ;o)

Not gone just unplugged...

Well Thursday morning my TV cable was unplugged, by none other than Mr. Scott Bickley himself. It was no surprise as the night before we had a "discussion" about how the TV was really causing some unhealthy habits in my life. Such as, and not limited to: watching TV for hours on end, watching a lot of reality TV shows that are less than edifying, staying up late to watch TV, laying in bed eating and watching TV for countless hours in the evening.... and during most naptimes, as well as causing me to learn new ways to be dramatic and well sinful (you know putting false thoughts into my head about marriage, friendships, and being selfish). Who says you are to old to be swayed by the TV? Now I love the Disney channel and really there is not to terribly much wrong with it, besides the temptation to watch it all the time. But what was getting to me was The Real Housewives of whatever county was on that evening. Its a slow fade, if I may quote  Casting Crowns for a minute, when black and white have turned to grey. When saying it's wrong to treat your spouse the way they treat theirs, to well maybe he deserved it. It astonishes me how much of an influence on my life those shows have been, in a bad way. I don't really think I desire their lifestyle? I don't think I really even desire to be that rich, although being able to live debt free would be super nice. But slowly thoughts of money and drama started consume my mind. Eek, Not good.

Back to the TV being unplugged though. Let me tell you, it was not without some retaliation. Poor Scott. I was not angry that he unplugged the TV, I mean after all it was per my enraged request when we were "discussing" the situation. But what bothered me was on Saturday night when I wanted to just sit and relax and watch TV, I asked Scott to plug it back in, to which he replied: "No." Say what? "No." What am I a child? (Quite frankly, I was acting like one for sure.) He then said, "Well what have you done to spend time with God today?" Me: "Well I have been praying. You know I spent time with God. What are you my keeper?" This continued for quite sometime, but Scott didn't budge. Thank the good Lord above for that.

Last night I read two chapters of a book he had been wanting me to read, slightly out of irritation to just get it over with, and actually enjoyed it. I have also enjoyed the quiet, peacefulness that I feel in my humble abode. I realized today, that yes I desire to watch TV, but it was also kind of like a pressure I placed on myself that if I am home the TV has to be on. It can't be silent in the house. But it's OK for it to be hushed and serene, in fact it's really nice. I have already seen some super ripe and juicy fruit grow from just a few days of silence and turning my mind away from the TV. It's nice. I like it and I never thought I would say that!

So as a challenge for myself I want to keep the TV in mine and Scott's room off for as long as I can. Minus watching a movie with Scott. If you feel like you want to, would you ask me about it? Hold me accountable. All to often I don't ask others to hold me accountable, so would you please with cherries on top, ask me how I am doing with it? And if you so feel led, totally turn the TV off for a few days, it's nice. Take it from me a TV addict, it's nice.

Oh yeah and special thanks to Mr. Scott Bickley :o)

Toodles!

Puttin' it out there

This past weekend Scott and I had the BEST time at our Sunday School Class pig roast. Even if we were two hours late... Whoops. While we had a great time fellowshipping with our new friends at TRBC, we started our evening off dealing with a struggle we, well I guess I should say "I", have been dealing with for almost five years. The big "A" word: Anxiety.

Although, I have shared my issues with anxiety with some, I haven't ever (that I can remember) publicly shared my struggles. Its not something I am proud of, in fact I am quite embarrassed by it. It's not something that makes total sense and not something that I feel like everyone can understand. But because I know that others struggle with anxiety too, I want to share in hopes that I can encourage and inform others about my difficulties in the journey with battling anxiety.

It all started when I caught a stomach bug in July of 2006. It was the first time I had ever tossed my cookies, so to speak, and it was horrible! I told myself i would never do that ever again. No big deal, I moved on didn't really effect me, until August of 2006 when I was on the way back from a college retreat. On the bus I began to get hot, clammy, my stomach was hurting, and I felt my throat close up within me. (Later I realized that was probably my first panic attack) I thought I had gotten a bug again and I was terrified. I was on this bus with all these people still two hours to get home, and I just felt sick. Luckily I was able to ride back in the car with my Mom once we pulled over at a rest stop. I didn't get sick and in fact when we got back home I felt perfectly fine. This started a slow trend, cycle, of feeling sick and staying home. It made me feel better to be home.

I attributed this cycle of events to be because of the year I had. I had some very life changing event occur in my life that year that just threw me for a whirlwind and changed my life drastically. So I just thought emotional I was worn out and needed a rest. I kept staying home. But my "panic attacks" began to get worse and almost everytime I left my house. Here's just a small snippet of the extent to my struggle. The night of our engagement, we couldn't go out to eat. Scott had planned an amazing dinner for us and he sang me a beautiful song. He put so much effort into this night. I panicked. Left to go to the bathroom and didn't come back. I began to have such an intense panic attack that I was in the recliner, with a blanket wrapped around me, shaking. Just shaking. Miserable, to hear the sound of Scott washing the dishes packing everything up because I had ruined out dinner. What a great man he his. He didn't understand these anxieties, but he pushed through and proposed after my panic attack had subsided. I said yes, duh. :o)

Unfortunately,  my panic moments didn't not subside like I had hoped. I thought of planning the wedding is stressful, I just started college, got a new job, making new friends, ya know all of life's changes at the bright age of 18. So I continued to live basically in my house, and would go out occasionally only to be brought home in a shake of panic. Absolutely miserable. School was so hard. I dreaded having to sit through class worried if I was going to get sick and panic. Class was becoming increasingly difficult to go to, as I was to embarrassed to get up and leave so I would just sit in my car or go and constantly be eating a cough drop nervous out of my mind.

Shortly after I started school I began to feel that it would make my anxieties better if maybe I just drove my own car, so that if I had to leave I could and I would not inconvenience anyone. I would just leave and go on my merry little way. Phew, did that help so much! But started me in such a downward spiral. Ostracizing myself from my friends and family and even my fiancée. I began to go to restaurants and not eat anything and take it home, because I didn't want to get sick on the way home. But when I went home I wouldn't eat much. Why? All because I was afraid I was going to get sick. I literally made myself feel sick from worrying about being sick! This cause the spiral to get so much worse. I lost 13 to 15 pounds. Not because I thought I was too big, I really was just afraid of eating something that would make me sick. Miserable.

**Side note: Cough drops have sadly been my crutch. I am going out on a limb here, but I eat them to feel better. I feel like they make me feel better. Psychologically they do, at least I feel like they do.

My wedding day came and went like the blink of an eye. Just like I had hoped it would. I desperately wanted a short and quick wedding because I didn't want to be panicking the whole day! Oh how much I would love to just go back and have my first dance, eat at my wedding, breathe easy at my wedding, ENJOY my wedding. I was a nervous wreck. scarfing down cough drops and worried I was going to throw up everywhere.

Soon after we got married my anxiety got to the point where I realized I could not go through school anymore. Anxiety was not the only reason, I had lost my scholarship. Partly lack of attending class and partly because I hate math and don't understand economics.  So I took on teaching dance more full time and continued to cater to what made me feel better with my anxiety. That included, eating at home, rarely making chicken, rarely eating dinner with Scott, falling asleep with the TV on most nights, watching tons of TV, riding in my own car by myself as much as possible, eating cough drops, not eating with people, not eating much most days. Miserable. I can't even describe to you the amount of strain this put on my marriage. Imagine my husband almost never getting to go out on a date with his wife. Always having to listen to the TV. Me always making an excuse to stay home instead of going to a movie or dinner. Miserable about sums it up. What a gracious man I married.

My breaking point of realizing this wasn't just exhaustion was in August of 2007. My family, Scott and I went on a beach trip to Santa Rosa to enjoy a few days of R and R. Boy oh boy was it not. I could barely sleep, eat, ride in the car with anyone, eat out with anyone. Pretty much enjoy anytime with anyone. I felt crippled and paralyzed by my fear of getting sick or having a panic attack. Miserable. One night while everyone was hanging out putting puzzles together, relaxing in my Aunt and Uncles house, next door, I was  by myself in a recliner bundled up, counting the minutes until we got to go home that next morning. When in came my brother in law Ben.

At the time Ben and my sister Beth lived in Louisville, KY for seminary for Ben. I don't quite remeber how everything went down but basically, I started crying and just asked Ben if he would be willing to give me some biblical counseling on how to deal with my anxieties. Ben had decided he wanted to pursue a degree in biblical counseling at SBTS, so I knew he would be able to help. He agreed and said that Monday evening he would call me and Scott and I together could talk on the phone. This started a year of biblical counseling with Ben. Most of the counseling was done over the phone while a few times we got to speak in person. If you know my brother in law you know he does not beat around the bush when it comes to the gospel or God's word and truth. There is no sugar coating sin and that is exactly what Ben did not do. He did not sugar coat my sin that was visible.

Up until then I had been angry at God wondering why in the world would he be so mean and merciless to me. Why would he allow Satan to do these things to my body and my mind? And most importantly and angrily why would he not take it away? Such anger I held towards God. I don't think any words on this blog, email, paper, words, or my tears could describe the agony of these anxieties. The regret of things I have not been able to do because of them. The strain it caused my marriage and friendships. The awkwardness of EVERY family dinner, restaurant experience, movie, date, car ride, excuses I made.  I am not over dramatizing this either. The anxieties really have felt like they have destroyed my life.

But Ben. Good ole Ben. Sat down with me and pointed out hard truths that I was resistant too. He didn't just tell me, "Oh it sounds chemical, there is just something wrong with your chemical levels." No he said Jennifer these things that you are describing to me sound like you desire comfortability and control. Now this was over the course of a year, he didn't just "diagnose" that I have issues not being comfortable. I don't want to put the wrong impression out about Ben's counseling, he didn't approach it as a secular counselor. He helped me to work through a lot of issues with my relationship with God. My lack of time in the word, prayer, reliance on God, trust in God, and understanding the character of God are things that he addressed and taught me. (Soon, I will recap all of the things he taught me in some blog posts but its to much here!)

I wish all I needed was a little counseling and a prayer and everything was back to normal but it didn't happen, as Ben told me from the beginning, "this is not a magical pill" Ben would tell me. Realizing my sin in the anxiety though, was the best help I ever received. I needed to repent of my sin of wanting comfortability. In every case of having a panic attack it was due to being uncomfortable and ultimately not in control. My inward feelings of wanting to be comfortable were the feelings in my heart. My heart and deceitfully wicked. Which would therefore cause my outside actions to be dictated by my inward deceit. My feelings of wanting to not feel sick or panicky would dictate that I would not eat chicken. I would not go to the movies and sit in the middle of the aisle. I would not ride in the car with anyone. Anything that made me uncomfortable I would not do.

Almost five years later, I still struggle. I still battle my flesh. I still battle the deceit of my heart. I still wish sometimes that God would just remove this burden from my life. Oh please, oh please God just take it away. He hasn't. He may never. It has taken me almost five years to become OK and semi obedient that this just may be with me until I die. As depressing as it sounds and as terrible as it feels, I do have hope though. I have hope that God is good. He will continue to provide the comfort that is from HIM. He will continue to hold me when I am shaking in panic and He will continue to bring me to repentance when I disobey Him or forget His truths. Don't get me wrong I still question God, and slip up. Forget that I do have hope. From looking back I see so much grace from God in this whole journey through anxiety.

It is my hope to recap some of the things I learned through my biblical counseling with Ben. So hopefully through what I learned I can continue to be brought into further joy through my struggles, and encourage someone along the way.

To finish up my story from the beginning, this weekend I was reminded that I still need God. I sat in the driveway with Scott for about five minutes in the car with him encouraging me, telling me I could do it. We can drive together. We actually rode together. That's the first time in a few weeks we have rode together. It's still a struggle but, God is good and He is faithful even if I forget all to often.

My Mommy.

Dun, dun, dun dunnnnn! I'm back!! I know everyone one in the cyber world has just greatly missed me blogging... (I really have missed blogging). Life has been sooo busy! My sister Rebecca's baby arrived into this great state of Florida... about 6 to 7 weeks early. I have decided he just did not want to be last in the summer birthday line up:
June 3rd Me
June 10th David Ali
June 21st Lucy Kate
July 9th (supposed to be) Noah Samuel
so you see what I'm saying... He was like, "oh NO! I will not be last!" Instead he wants to share his birthday month with his Granddad Kennedy. Why shouldn't he they both have bright red hair!

Well after seeing what my sister has gone through, ya know the vacation of labor and delivery ;o), possibly being on bedrest, and seeing Noah in the NICU, it has made incredibly, ginormously, greatly grateful and in amazement of my Mom. Ya'll I know that we are all bias about our families. But I mean it when I say I have the greatest, awesome, most amazing Mom EVER. Hands down.

I seriously am feeling that I should celebrate my Mom on my birthday! I mean after carrying me for 9 months, with two other kids to take care of (don't get me wrong my Dad was great and helped of course!) but seriously, it's a ton of work being a Mom! Now that we are pregnant with BB2 I am realizing oh my goodness. My poor mother... I have not thanked her enough. Geeze louise. So here is a chance for me to tell the whole world some pretty awesome things about her and things I have learned from my awesome Mom:

1.) If you are doing the laundry, so you don't forget and they go sour, put a candy cane out on the countertop. I mean who needs a candy cane in mid July, Oh wait I have laundry in the washer!
2.) Always fold your clothes right out of the dryer, you'll never get them folded any other way.
3.) So you don't forget something you need to remember to take somewhere, put your keys in the freezer. Seriously genius.
4.) Eliminate in between steps and think about where you are going before you do. Plan the shortest most efficient route.
5.) don't freak out about every little thing.
6.) My Mom is a genius when it comes to problem solving. She should be an official problem solver for a living.
7.) She is an insanely hard worker, but almost NEVER brought home her work or stressed about it at home. She worked productively at work and as she would say, "work stays at work"
8.) She is the most giving person I have ever met. She would give you the shoes off of her feet, and shirt off her back if you needed it.
9.) She is so incredibly humble.
10.) She is an amazing example of a servant. She just serves and serves and serves AND really rarely ever complains about it. She gets joy from serving.
11.) My Mom ain't no doormat though. She knew, well knows, how to get a handle on me when I am being ridiculous. Which is not often because I am no drama queen. Yeah.... right....
12.) She will discreetly and most un-noticeably take the smallest portion or the not so desirable item of choice, if need be. So many times I have noticed her eating the turkey sandwich, instead of last night great bar b que chicken. She always is looking out for others and what they need.
13.) To often did Santa and Mrs. Clause, the Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy always know what I wanted for Christmas, AND what I didn't even know I wanted BUT LOVED! I would like to think that she had a little something to do with that :o)
14.) Can't say it enough how great of a planner my Mom is. You need a plan, she's got a great one.
15.) She is an awesome Grandma to my Lucy and David and Noah! She helped me through so many first time Mom crisis' and was there when Lucy was born. It was so neat to look at my Mom when Lucy arrived and just hear her say, "she's here!" (with tears in her eye ;o)
16.) Oh yeah, did I mention my Mom held one of my legs as I became oh so open to everyone in the delivery room... You know she's on my good side since she was allowed in the room!
17.) My Mom could be a private investigator. She has sources. Just sayin'.
18.) Every dance recital I can remember when I was past the age of 8 or 10 she was backstage helping do whatever needed to be done to get it done! She wasn't like those crazy backstage Mom's, she did what she was told and jumped in when needed.
19.) Clean up your mess after your done. Don't leave it there it just collects.
20.) Wash the dishes after dinner or put them in the dishwasher, either way get the kitchen clean. Don't leave it for the morning. It doesn't go away.

You know we never had "Family Schedule Boards" or rules hanging up or a certain meal plan. We didn't have a cleaning schedule, or certain chores we had to do.  (and no thats not why I love my Mom so much) She didn't need that. We respected, well still respect her. We new she meant business. She and my Dad didn't make parenting so difficult for themselves. They just were parents! They didn't bring drama into parenting. Yes, I would be lying if I said that we were a perfect family. We aren't. But I look at myself and others around me and I'm like CHILL OUT. Not everything has to be by the books. My Mom made the book for our family. Well my Mom and Dad! I knew that if I didn't pick up my shoes from the living room by the time she got home, true story, she said she would throw them away. Well she did.

All this to say, my Mom is amazing. She is teaching me daily by her actions and past actions to just chillax. Other people may parent one way, but I gotta do what's best for my family.

So Mommy, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I now only have a glimpse of all of the sacrifices and energy I took from you! I know you wouldn't have it any other way, but at least now I can say I get it. Or better yet, what goes around comes around!

Love you Mommy.

Toodles!

Bickley Happenings

OK, so I guess I am not such a great blogger. I did so great the first week.... Then well I fell off the face of the blogging earth... So I guess I am just going to have to play catch up on what's happening with the Bickley's.

Like my last post announced, we are expecting Baby Bickley #2 (BB2 we like to call him/her at home) We are  getting more and more excited about having another baby and so looking forward to seeing Lucy be a big sister. She will be a great one for sure! I am scheduled for my orientation appointment June 3rd and in case you are wondering that's my birthday (I like clothes, giftcards, money,.... Just kidding) I am not so excited about this appointment because nothing happens and I have already been through it once before. But never the less, it is our first official appointment! 

Scott is starting seminary, I think, that same week or the week after. We are also really excited for this new chapter in our lives. Its been a long process deciding when to embark on this new journey, but it's finally here and we are getting pumped! He will be taking classes online, through hybrid courses, and J-terms. He said he will have tons of reading to do, but hopefully starting this track will being him tons of joy to finally be moving towards his dream job, being a Pastor. So excited for him and our family! He is going to be a great Pastor, because he is already such a great husband and daddy two my two babies :o) (Hey getting me my cravings is already helping BB2)

In other news, we decided to take our house off the market. After finding out I was pregnant, the house situation was to much up in the air and we need to make a decision. So we decided to make it work here! We have made some ground breaking, literally not figuratively, improvements. Friday night at about 7:00 pm maybe, I decided in all my brightness to start ripping up the lenolium. Low and behold it actually wasnt that hard of a job... Well Scott helped a little too...OK a lot... Today he and my Dad laid some laminate flooring down (it's almost done) and it looks AMAZING! I was speechless again! I think this is a new trend in my life  to maybe just be quiet...

I have a guilty Mom confession... I have not kept a good record of what Lucy has done... I feel terrible about it. It was just laziness. I just didn't document it very well. Luckily though, I can catch up and start now! Lucy is 11 months old today and she is a mess. She is walking behind her little dino, dancing, crawling, talking, and smiling a lot! She can say da da, ma ma, gracie (wacie), la la, fishy (she-she), Meow, doggy (gogy), baby, uh oh, no and her new favorite owl which she says like this oww-ullll. She is also mastering the art of the sippy cup. Very well I might add :o) She is so wonderful and we just can not get enough of her!! We are so in love with her!!

Alright, I am starving BB2 is starving. All the time. Seriously. All the time...

Toodles!